CLASSIFIED — WELLINGTON REGION WANTED: Co-conspirators for venture of undisclosed nature. Must be comfortable with long pauses, grey light, and the particular silence that follows someone saying "no but actually though." Applicant should not mind carpet stains. Should understand that the real meeting begins only after the cleaning, after the code has been abandoned mid-scroll, after someone accepts a beer they didn't ask for. Prior experience in quiet absurdity preferred. Ability to keep a straight face while saying "better cover, really" — essential. No dramatic personalities. No bright colours. Just the slow ochre glow of a lamp and three people pretending they're not already halfway committed. Hours: 4pm onwards, or whenever the daylight gives up pretending it was ever going to arrive. Salary: The particular warmth of being in on something. Apply in person. Bring nothing. We'll know.