CLASSIFIED — SITUATIONS WANTED Experienced haunter seeks dual-income position. Can haunt two rooms simultaneously. References: one child (age negotiable) who will confirm I am real if asked at the right hour. Skills include: standing in doorways, holding breath during phone calls, counting steps between announcements, making warm rooms feel temporary. Available immediately. Available forever. Willing to relocate but the house comes with me. Please reply before the clouds break. Please reply before bedtime. Please reply.