report, n. 1. A document that expands to fill all available life. 2. The shadow a desk casts across a pillow. 3. (archaic) The sound a door makes when you finally close it behind you — from the French rapporter, to carry back, though nothing is ever carried back intact. 4. The weight of hours converted to paper, measured in meetings skipped, dinners reheated, the specific silence of a hallway at 17:31. 5. (informal) A middle finger, pressed slowly and with great deliberation against a button marked SUBMIT.